A Starter Home in Rural Indiana

I remember the day,
When we drank milkshakes
out on the lawn.

The sun was celestially
shining through
the opaque clouds.

I looked over
at your tan skin
and felt your soul.

It was soft,
like the down pillow
we rested our heads on

late the night before,
after a day of painting –
I slept in your arms.

We painted the entryway
a bold red
and got paint in our hair.

You reach over
and draw a heart
on my forehead.

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Tantalus

Tantalus

Jeffrey is anointed by God

3 is the Holy Trinity,
The number of wise men,
Who visited Christ.

Christ, who died
When he was 33,
Died for everyone.

He died for all men,
Even the sinners,
Who never believed.

* * *

Jeffrey is currently committed

pop one,
pop another, breathe in, breathe out,
then stop.

slouched over
in my chair, I’m falling asleep at the wheel,
white

and yellow lines,
become small suggestions, and I lean a little
to the left.

I just don’t
understand you, she said as she stormed out the room,
her eyes

dark and swollen,
as she begins to cry, exclamation: I just don’t know why
anymore

* * *

Jeffrey is afraid of love and feelings and romance

Your skin tastes like honey,
Your eyes look,
Like milk.

When the storms rage on,
Inside the darkness
Of the mind,

And I am fixed with fear,
You bring
Sweet softness,

And erase the madness,
And when
I am lost,

Searching inside for strength,
You are
The light,

That shines throughout me.
When I
Have fallen,

And lay in despair
On the
Ground,

You reach out to me, and hand me
Hope and charity,
I shall not forget,

I shall not forget,
The things
you have

done for me, The beauty
you have
restored,

And the love you have expressed.
Thank you,
my friend,

I will forever
be in your
debt.

But I can change,
Who I,
Am.

I’ve always been the liar,
The cheat,
The criminal.

I promise, when this is all over,
I will stop,
For you.

You’re my way out,
Of this
Hell.

When the job is done,
I will retire,
For you.

I will repay you for everything,
You have done
For me.

I will love you every day
And every night,
For eternity.

But alas, I must finish.
One more.
One more.

* * *

Jeffrey is wanted in Parma on a burglary charge

The rush,
Of power,
When you pull the trigger – shooting into the air.

The rush,
Of wind,
As you drive away in a stolen Corvette.

The rush,
Of adrenaline
As you hear the sirens far away.

The rush,
Of stealing,
From a church, that should have locked their doors.

The rush,
Of fear,
When you see the spiked strip in front of you.

The rush,
Of sounds,
As you swerve out of the way and hit a tree.

The rush,
Of shots,
Fired into your stomach.

The rush,
Of air,
As it leaves your diaphragm.

The rush,
Of weight,
As you hit the ground.

The delay,
Of time,
As darkness forms around the eyes.

The delay,
Of sirens,
As the ambulance finally arrives later.

The delay,
Of heartbeats,
As they try to save Jeffrey.

* * *

Jeffrey is unconscious

She sang to me –
So quietly,
As I slept through the ages.

I awoke to
Find her sitting
Still, without movement, frozen.

* * *

Jeffrey is more than his paralysis

A lover-less bed,
Is a book,
With blank pages.

Nothing to read,
To gain,
Just an emptiness

The world revolves,
As it rotates,
Around a dying fire,

Like the fire on the day
We camped,
During the cold November.

Like the day we cried,
Over the loss
Of my father’s father

I remember the days,
When we,
Played games in the back yard

I remember the first time,
We lit up,
Starting down our painful path.

I loved the way you looked,
When you
Asked me to stay that night.

I wish I would have never stole,
So I,
Wouldn’t have ever been without you.

A lover-less bed,
Is a book,
With blank pages.

Full of possibilities,
For you,
To write your soul.

Jeffrey is more than his paralysis,
But sadly,
Still paralyzed from the heart in.

* * *

Jeffrey is tantalized

After nights of beautiful legs and various positions of forgetting, Jeffrey cried. He cried one tear for each moment he was without her. All he wanted was to feel her in his arms, but he can’t. His heart continued to beat, but his mind was slowing down. Jeffrey was a race-horse, with a broken ankle, just waiting for something to put him out of his misery. For something to pull the metal trigger, causing the pin to spark something deep inside of him (or soon to be.) He began to drink…heavily. Now a broken drunkard, he cries daily for his lost love. “So thirsty,” he thinks, “So hungry,” he moans, all the while, in the shadow of the rock looming over him.

Madison Center

It’s taken me over a year to write this, but I finally felt I could.

Madison Center

I know what it’s like to go to Madison Center.

I know what it’s like to force yourself to throw up 20 to 30 pills you have swallowed in short succession. I know how it feels to be in a drug induced coma, to lose your ability to open your eyes. I know the difference between “voluntary” and “committed.” I know how valuable exercise time is. The freedom you feel in that large gymnasium, shooting hoops, and I know how short that time really is. I know of locked doors and of standing in a straight single file line.

I know of blue walls and the premade meals that always tasted like the salt and pepper you would put on it. I know why Jeremy had doubles, twice as much food as the rest of us. He got doubles so he could give some of his away to the rest of us, to create friendships and bonds. To make you want to be in his favor. I know why he always wore gowns, long and white, like an angel. He was abandoned there, with nothing to claim his own. No one came for Jeremy. I know why he had scars on his arms, and bags under his eyes. .

I know Stephen had Asperser’s, but everyone else just thought he was weird.

I know of bunks and “lights out.” I know Scott wanted to talk all night, and wouldn’t let me sleep. Scott had abusive parents; his stories made me love mine even more. I couldn’t sleep, even after he stopped talking. I know what it’s like to stay awake for hours, edging closer to crying, but still too scared to release tears.

I know Cindy was here for the same reason as I was. Cindy desperately wanted to give me a hug when I left, but unfortunately wasn’t allowed to touch another patient.

I know how wonderful freedom is, and how desirous slavery can be. To never have to make a decision, to have zero stress. I know living is better than dying, but that doesn’t destroy the temptation.

Finding Beauty in the Sorrow Caused by Love

The stage is dark,
Cue lights, a dark blue hue,
From stage left,
Enters you.

You pace,
All over the stage,
Your eyes,
Filled with rage.

Tears stream down,
Emphasizing the soft
Curves of your face,
My heart begins to waft.

But I am in the audience,
Helpless to save you,
The screen closes,
My mind, a dark blue hue.

The Struggle

I bask in the warmth of the sun,
Enjoying the peaceful serenity I get from it’s light,
The beauty of the world around me is clear.

But then the sun goes down,
And I am left in the darkness,
Searching for a source of light.

“Oh Sun! Where are you now?
Why have you left me here all alone,
Admist the cold, dark, night?”

I run through the darkness, searching for light,
And I collapse to the ground over a jagged root,
And weep from the pain I feel,

After being left in the darkness for hours,
I begin to lose hope,
Hope that the sun will ever return.

But then He comes again,
Rising from the ground,
To shine His light all over the land.

I weep again, but tears of joy,
My delusions of Him never returning were truly false,
And I am at peace again.

Sunset on the Lake

Sitting on the side of the lake,
I dip my bare naked feet into the water,
I feel the heat escape from in between my toes.

Staring out over the vast murky liquid,
I see the sun’s reflection on this natural mirror,
But only for a brief moment as it descends below the trees.

Now, only the porch light keeps the darkness away,
With the sun down, I stop making my tiny ripples in the lake,
I leave wet footprints on the lawn and the hardwood of the kitchen floor.

I dry my feet on my towel,
Before entering my bed at this time of rest,
My eyes shut, as I enter into a deep, peaceful, slumber.

Wal~Mart: Cast of Characters

Recently I got a job working the produce section of Wal~Mart.  These are the people I have met so far.  I wish I was creative enough to make this stuff up.

Rebecca – A 50 year old woman who is dating a retired 70 year old man who has a bunch of corvette’s and spends his time showing his cars at car shows.  They met at chemotherapy while both their previous spouses were dying of cancer.  Rebecca is cross-eyed, talks very softly, and has a bit of a hunch back.  She’s very nice and friendly to me.  Rebecca believes the men who work produce think they can boss her around because she’s a woman.  She’s been at walmart almost year now, and works to clear away the boredom from being single.  Although, she spends most of her free-time between her boyfriend and her daughter and grandchildren.  She is very proud of her grandsons and daughter.  She is a chain-smoker.

Ed – The dirtiest old man in the world.  Swears all the time, often flirts with the women he works with, making semi-obscene comments on occasion.  Has threaten to “kick my a**” on multiple times.  He does it in joking though.  At least I hope so, because I could easily take him.  He is roughly 357 years old.  Catholic.

Don – The second dirtiest man in the world.  Loves to stare at the behinds of women who walk by.  Enjoys joking around, but feels he is watched closer because he’s black.  My favorite moment with Don is when he decided he felt like a slave, so he stopped looking people in the eye and addressing customers as “suh” (sir).  Advises me on how to easily get laid regardless of how many times I tell him I’m not looking for that.  Has often stopped working and waved everyone over to check out a woman.  Goes to the restroom a lot.

Alex – Although married, often flirts with the various women around Wal~Mart and tells me all about the tons of women who want to go out with him.  Been working for 7 years; claims he was never promoted because he’s Mexican.  Originally from McAllen, Texas.  Likes to slack.

Amanda – A butch lesbian in a relationship with a married woman.  Amanda has been there 2 or 3 months but already feels she is the boss of Wal~Mart.  Encourages me to hurry up at every given chance.  Often tells me stories about how hard it was when she first started.  She would work alone and is slightly bitter at the advantages I have.  Amanda never went to college, although she is only 25, and looks down at school slightly.  Lives at home still.

Lucia – My favorite so far.  Lucia has been working there for a month or two.  She is originally from South Africa, and has a thick accent.  Lucia is kind, friendly, and rarely talks bad about anyone else.  We get along great.  She is a hard worker.  Motherly.