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Customer Service Tips

“Welcome to Wal~Mart!” Welcome to hell. “Hi, how are you today?” Yes, I’m paid to say this. “I’m doing great, thank you.” Kill me know. “Can I help you find anything?” I’m trying to waste time, please assist me in this. “I’m not sure, let me see if I can find someone else to help you.” Let’s see how much time I can spend looking for someone else. “Attention all associates, attention all associates, customer needs assistance in produce, customer needs assistance in produce, thank you.” Another stupid customer can’t find something, someone needs to get over there. “Strawberries are at the end of this wall.” Are you blind? “They’re two for three dollars.” Which is exactly what the sign says, idiot. “Excuse me, ma’am, but please do not eat the fruit before you pay for it.” Seriously, did you think I wouldn’t notice? “These are red plums, those are black plums.” This really isn’t that confusing. “Thank you for letting me know, I will alert my supervisor.” Jerk. “I see what you mean, but unfortunately there is nothing I can do about that, sorry.” Do I look like I care? “Oh, yes, this is rotten, thank you for letting me know.” Thank you for yelling at me. “No, I’m sorry, we’re all out of that.” Tough luck, deal with it. “Well, actually the reason are prices are so low is not because the product is bad, but because we have so much of it.” But seriously, you are at Wal~Mart, what did you expect? “Well the reason prices have gone up is because we are low on that product.” It’s simple supply and demand economics. “You’re welcome.” Go away. “Please don’t touch that, thank you.” I hate kids. “What a cute child.” Now make it shut up. “Excuse me, young man, please don’t throw the nectarines.” Or I will beat you. “Oh no, it’s all-right sir.” Get your stupid kids under control. “No, our corn is not from China.” We live in the Midwest, the best place in the world to grow corn, the highest corn producing area, why would we ship corn from China? Moron. “I’ll get right on that.” Leave me alone. “I’m sorry, but I only work in produce.” Not my area, not my problem. “I’m really sorry ma’am, but there’s nothing I can do.” Well, nothing I’m willing to do. “I will let my supervisor know we are out of that.” I won’t. “The milk is in at the very back of the store.” Just like in every single other Wal~Mart in the world. “Have a nice day.” Then, at least one of us will.


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