The Clintonian Series, Episodes 1-4

The Birth of the Clintonian

On Aug. 14 1996, Clint E. was serving a mission in Australia. When he returned from his mission he told many people various stories, but the one he did not tell may be the most important. On his mission Clint E. went to visit a member at work, in the nuclear plant nearby. Here, the man gave Clint a tour of the facility. While walking near the giant tanks of nuclear waste, Clint slipped on a rock and plummeted towards the large drum. Clint splashed into the thick liquid, crying out for help. Abison Erwin, another employee, drove right in to save Clint. Abison carried Clint to the ladder at the end of the tank and helped pull him out. Clint thanked the man, not knowing what lay ahead.

Nothing is as important as what he found on Aug 15, 1996. Clint had superpowers. Whenever he would air-guitar, the real song would play. He was astounded by his ability. Whatever song he thought of, all he would do is air-guitar it, and bam! the song would play. This worked when he air-keyboarded or air-anything musical. By the year 2008, Clint had realized another gift. When he would air-guitar, he could channel the awesomeness of rock into something else, and destroy it. Clint also took a class on costume design. Oh, and he can fly. Put these things together and you have the most wicked-awesome superhero the world has ever known: THE CLINTONIAN!!!!

Clintonian vs. The Giant Scorpions (they filled in grand canyon)

In this battle, our righteous dude, knew only one thing would defeat the evil gang of giant scorpions. The Giant Scorpions destroyed most of Arizona, before our hero found them. Clint heard of the disaster via American Idol, when Idol Gives Back asked for money to stop The Giant Scorpions. Quickly Clint unbuttoned his purple shirt to reveal his purple tights underneath. Then he put on his latex mask, with slits for his eyes, nose, and mouth, also featuring a giant C on the forehead. Clint E. was transformed into: THE CLINTONIAN!!!! Clint now flew to Arizona, to duel with The Giant Scorpions. First he stalled by air-playing Everything but the Girl’s Walking Wounded, and sure enough The Giant Scorpions started to stumble with every step. And then it dawned on him. Slowly the first riffs came out. Then, winds started to pick up. The Clintonian was about to rock those scorpions with a hurricane. The Clintonian got to the chorus, “Here I am,” he shouted, “Rock you like a hurricane!” Right then, in the middle of the desert, a hurricane formed and gobbled up The Giant Scorpions, and flew them right into the ocean where they drowned. When the reporters asked him why he did it, he said, “Righteo! I’m just here to serve.” The reporter asked him if he had any advice for any other villains. The Clintonian’s reply, “Hit me with your best shot, fire away!”

Clintonian vs. The Giant Gila Monster

The Clintonian won.

Clintonian vs. The Lava Men

In this episode, our delightful hero was watching What Not To Wear, when it was interrupted by a news broadcast. The newscaster reported that there were Lava Men burning down cities in Hawaii. Clint knew exactly what to do. He unbuttoned his short sleeve shirt only to transform himself into…THE CLINTONIAN!!!! Clint took to the skies flying through the air. The Lava Men were easy to spot, even from the skies. When Clint flew down, they immediately shot lava at him. Some burned him slightly. The Clintonian knew what he must do to protect himself from the lava. He needed to heat his own temperature up so the lava could not burn him. And he knew just the song. Dun Dun Dun…”I’m hot-blooded, Check it and see, I’ve got a fever of 2143!” Luckily Clint knew the average temperature of lava was 2140, so a quick change in the song, and bam! he was saved. With Foreigner on his mind, Clint knew just the song to defeat these monstrosities. Once Clint hit those opening lines, the evil Lava Men went running, but didn’t get very far. Clint sang the opening lines again, “You’re as cold as ice!” The Lava Men soon were cooled and frozen into blocks of ice. The people cheered as they heard the Clintonian’s signature word, “Righteo!” When reporters asked him if there was anything he had to say to the people, The Clintonian had this to say, “It’s a very, very mad world, but Don’t stop believing, hold on to that feeling; Everybody loves a happy ending, and you’re love will shine on everyone.” And he flew away.

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